Monday, July 27, 2009

I'm just sitting here.

There isn't even a title for this blog. I am a sack of nothing, sat in the dark, lit by a screen, listening to the animals moving around me. My house smells of lavender, rosemary and thyme.

Lavender for love and devotion, because we love each other and he was so devoted to us and our family. He still is, in a more ethereal way, and I know he'll not leave us. I felt him today, in the storming wind, as I stood in the silent part, feeling the wind and rain blow around me and not on me, not through me, not near me. He protects me still, as he always said he would.

Rosemary is for rememberance. There was so much he remembered, so much he wanted to forget, so much that he kept remembering even though it hurt him, so much that he wanted to leave behind. There is so much that we remember, so much that we have, so much that we love.

Thyme is for daring, for bravery, for fortitude. He was all those things, and more. He loved to serve those around him, for his work, for his home, for the stranger in the street, he braved the deserts, he braved his own pain, he was strong against the demons that raged inside him, until we beat them together, one at a time.

Wrapped in purple, they go with him. Purple for mystery, nobility, mourning and pride. The mystery that was his old life, the mystery that was the gaps in his life, that slowly he filled in for me as they came up, but really, he didn't need to - neither of us had our old lives with us now, and we were happy for them to be a mystery and to live in the present. The nobility that was the way he was, the way he lived, the way he loved, not in a kingly way, but with a nobility of spirit, always wanting what was best for those around him, and those further away. The mourning for a life cut short, for the dreams of a family that we wanted, for the house in the woods and the raising of the children. The pride in a life well lived, in a job well done, a bike well ridden, in decisions well made, and in 4 years well loved.

He is my man. I will do my best for him, against all the pressures from outside, because no one knew him like I did.

I love you Rich, and I know you love me too.

I keep being told...

... you're so brave.

No, I'm not.
See me cry. Again, and again, and again.

... you're so strong.

No, I'm not.
See me crumple in the shower.

.... you're amazing.

No, I'm not.
See me want to scream at the horrible reality in which I live.

... you're so understanding.

No, I'm not.
I don't understand this at all.

Amazing trip out.

People really care.

Carrie in P@H cried. They have started a collection for him for either flowers or for Help for Heroes.

It's amazing.

She said he really made a difference to her.

How cool is that.

More and more I see people who really care about him, about what AC and I are going through, and mostly they ask about BG, because we always talk about her.

How cool.

Wet day

Today is another wet day.

There has been no response from the She-Ex, and that's disappointing, but ok. To be honest, I don't expect she is going to want to keep in touch with me now that he is gone. It's a terrible shame, because I won't stop loving the BG, and I never disliked the She-Ex as a person, just her actions, but she has to live with those, not me, so it's ok. I just want both her and BG to have lovely lives, cherishing each other the way Rich cherished us.

I'm glad I didn't send what I wanted to send though, and just vented it out on here, because I don't want to upset her right now. Whatever her reasons, she's grieving too. Her tears say a lot for the way she felt about Rich, and explain a few things over the years.

Yesterday I tried to have conversation with someone, and just didn't want to. And that person is a good friend who just said "ok".

Yesterday I had long conversation with two friends, and they are both good friends, who just let me ramble on and listened and talked and are lovely.

James came to move the Rangy's yesterday, up to his place for a while whilst we decide what is done with them. He needs to come back with a winch and some tools. That's ok.

Mum and Dad and Hannah and Alan and the AC and I went to lunch at Pizza Hut. That was ok too. Then everyone came back here, and in the end Hannah sent me to bed for an hour whilst she watched the AC.

Church was amazing. So tearful, and I have a whole post for that. But so much support and love.

I looked at the finances last night. As long as I can feed and clothe the child and I on £2pcm it'll be ok. It's not like I can get another job or something though, but there are things I can do inside this one that might increase the income. I know that He will provide, and I have faith that He will. Rich provided such a lot though! There are places to cut back, and they will be cut. There aren't many, because we'd already been cutting back to keep the maintenance up. I know the She-Ex is resourceful though, and will just get another job if she needs to, and that'll bring the wages in for their household. I keep being told not to worry about the BG anymore, but of course I do - I can't turn off the love I feel for her like a tap just because her father has died.

Hopefully I'll see him today or tomorrow. Tomorrow would be best perhaps, but I want to go asap.

We'll see.

That's the way everything is right now.

We'll see.