Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Virtual blogging?

Recently I ave gone back to the blog a couple of times, and noticed that posts I had posted weren't there.  There was a simple reason for this - I hadn't posted them.

I have been writing blog posts in my head, changing wording, layout and so on, and then thinking I'd actually put them up.  Clearly I hadn't.

SO in short order, seeing as the last time I posted was my "The nurse wants me to go to weightloss clinc" post, here is what has been happening in my world.

Thursday - I get a phonecall from the man to say "Don't do anything for tea tonight, and be ready to go at 6."  It turns out I am being taken out to Pizza Hut for my birthday, with the AC and J, with D from J's work, and Steve and Angela and children and it is a Lovely, Lovely, Time.

Friday, being as it is my Actual Birthday (and Holocaust Memorial Day) I have cards and presents at home (gloves, and the Hairy Bikers Pie book) and then I go to school and I get cards and presents (wine, chocolates, candles etc) and then we went to Leamington and I got cards and presents (£30, socks, a plush beaver) and then we vegged out and went to bed.

As it is my birthday I am glossing over the antics of the ex lol!

Saturday, being as it is the day after my birthday, we went to town and J bought me a new hoodie from Animal in a pale green colour which is gorgeous, and a SMALL.  Ha nursie!  We had lunch from the Spud Man which made the AC very happy, and then went home and chilled out.  I had to do some work, but it was only a few hours of marking and planning, so it's all good.

Sunday, being as it was still my birthday weekend (admittedly at my insistence) we went to Charlecotte Park and had a wander and saw some magnificent deer with massive antlers and decided that it was a 3 year old that had run into the car the other day.  We had roast chicken lunch, and then I worked and knitted and watched Poirot and the boys played and J had a sleep.  Eventually we dropped T-Boy off and went home and I got another card and a a cheque in it, and so because I had a card that means I was right and it was still my birthday!

Monday was a school day and I have drawn a line in the sand when it comes to marking and planning, and I will discuss this more in another blog post, but I Made My Views Heard.  There is no point moaning behind someones back if you don't say it to their face.  Unless they are an Ex, in which case there is no point in saying anything to their faces, unless you say the thing you don't want done, and then they will do it just to spite you.  Yes, I do it to the AC's dad.  Yes it works.  Yes we did it to the She-Ex, and yes, it worked.

After all this time, I am still automatically writing She-Ex.  Ah well.  I hope it's all cool and froody in their world.  It's all cool and froody in mine.

It's another day for the course, and I am off to be Improved.

Oh yes.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Weightloss. Bugger.

Yesterday I went to the nurse for a general look over, and a refill of my pill.  We chatted over the options (the phrase "You're at that age now" was used!) and then we did the height weight thing.


She told me I was overweight.  This is not news.  I know my body, and I know when I am being a lardy girl!  Currently I am 11st2, or 156lbs, for my American friends.  I know it isn't loads compared to some.  I should be between 106 - 134, so I'm only really 22lbs over.  Which is a lot, but easy to shift once I can move again properly.

Regular readers will recall that in December last year I tore the cartilige in my knee.  In March the lovely NHS fixed it for me, and I loved the world.  It is healing, but slowly.  I still can't run on it.  It still gets very stiff and won't unlock. I still can't push through it.  Admittedly I only found the last one out yesterday when we moved the fishtank, but that's ok.

Mrs Nurse asked me what exercise I got.  We went through the knee thing. 

Because it is not dependable as yet, I am not exercising like I was.  I don't care what people say, diet without exercise is pointless.  I still walk to work every day with the child.  I walk to Tesco 3 or 4 times a week.  I walk to where J works on a regular basis, at least once a week, more often in the holidays or whatever.

If I run the numbers, it's around

School - 0.5 per journey - 5 miles a week
Tesco - 0.8 per journey - 4.8 miles a week
J's work - 1.6 per journey - 3.2 miles a week

That's a total of around 13 miles a week.

Mrs Nurse admitted that that was fine and a good base level of activity.

She asked about my drinking.  I don't.
She asked about my smoking.  I don't.
She asked about my diet.  I asked her what she meant.  She said, well, what did you eat yesterday?  I said

Breakfast - cereal, fruit.
Lunch - porridge, fruit.
Tea - pork chop, mashed potato, peas, gravy.

No.  She had no ideas either.  The only thing that I can cut out right away is sugar in tea.  Anyone who knows me knows that I love my tea.  I've fought through 4 days of Caffine-Detox headaches just to drink my new brand of tea all the time.  Now I have to take out the sugar.  I could try sweetners.  I like sugar.  Bad ol' me!

So the plan is that I go to the weightloss clinic, and get my diet looked at.  It's quite carb heavy, I should think, and I don't know how that affects diets and things.  I've never had to worry about diet - it's simple in my world.  Don't eat crap, and you'll feel fine!  Eat home made food made with love. 

Any ideas would be greatfully recieved.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Head owwwwwww!

I have another one of those massive one-sided headaches.  It's like having a headache in my eyeball.  It's probably a result of rising stress levels, except I don't have any.  Ok, well, not many.  Nothing out of the ordinary.

Sandwich making.
My headache.
Where the AC's trainers are.
The ITP course.
The MEd course.

It's going now, slowly.  I've had some Lemsip tablets and they are clearing it, which means that, well, I know what it is.

I've overdosed on chocolate.
It used to happen a lot, and then I learned to manage it and work out how much I could have before it went over whatever level it is that massacres one side of my brain and clogs up all my sinus pathways. (Yes, TMI, I know!)  This is on another level of pain though, but I'll manage it, because there isn't another choice lol!

I'm on session 2 of my course today.  I need to go through the course materials before this morning starts (with croissants and orange juice!) and make sure last weeks stuff is up to date, plan what I was going to say about my targets for last week (yes, I met them, yes, I'm sure they made a difference!) and look over what we'll be on this week, pack my school bag ready to go, and if the headache calms down, I'll have some breakfast.  If the headache doesn't, then I'll wait until I get to my course.

I know that not so many people read this blog, and that's fine - I don't blog for an audience, although I do acknowledge you, Dear Reader, sometimes - but I still would rather not offend anyone with yesterdays post.  I was just angry with the effect of what I saw yesterday as the selfishness of the parent disregarding the needs and emotions of the child.  Most of me still sees it that way, to be honest.

I've never been in those shoes, but I can't imagine anything that comes before the needs of my child. 


Monday, January 23, 2012

Very UnPC

I am.... stunned?

It has been one of those days where so many things have happened, that it is overwhelming.

I have been made aware of an action that has been taken by someone that has traumatised a child.  I know that their choice of action stems from their own illness, I know that no-one in their own self would want to do this thing, and I know that it is a massive taboo type thing on the internet to moan about it, but the effect that the self-harming of the mother has had on the child is immense.  IMMENSE! 

Oh, the mother is all "She doesn't know, I hide it from her, I have long sleeves and jeans, and my own steristrips in the cupboard where she can't see."

Her daughter is intelligent, active, gorgeous, happy, and a joiner.  Oh wait.  She was.  Now she's hurrying home every night, and she's fretting during the day, and if her mother isn't there at the right time then she's pacing the library floor.

Yeah.  She doesn't know...... her mother can keep telling herself that as much as she likes, but it isn't true.  She knows, and the worst of it is?  She thinks it's all her fault.  Yep.  The daughter thinks the mother self harms because the daughter isn't good enough, winds her mother up, causes her stress, and has to let the stress out by self harming with a blade.

She knows.


The depressing thing is that the daughter will be the same way as the mother in 20 years.  And if she has a daughter, it'll all be the same again.

I know I am supposed to be all PC and all "Poor mother" but I can't.  The mother can choose, the daughter can't.

End of rant.


Saturday, January 21, 2012

Oh the snuggling!

Last night I snuggled a 4 year old who wanted snuggles, 2 books reading, and 3 songs before bed.  I obliged with the first, but when she went to get the books the 2 year old saw a space on my lap and wriggled over from J to me.  He put his hands on either side of my head, looked into my eyes like that lad does to Robin Williams in Hook, and with a very serious expression on his face, gave me a very big kiss.  He then sat on one side of my lap, and the 4 year old sat on the other, and we read the books together, and then whilst he got another book the 4 year old and I sang "Ladies Horse goes Nim Nam Nim Nam".  She also did the looking into my eyes and kissing me thing, but less intensely.  She thrives on cuddles and songs and dance, and play and joy, and the boy just wants his cuddles, and his questions answered, and life to carry on like it is.

The 2 year old was taken up to bed, and then the 6 year old came for his cuddles and story and the 4 year old claimed all of my lap and we read some more and then she went up to bed.

The 6 year old and I looked at his Usbourne puzzle book and then he went up to bed.

My 8 year old was with his father.  We were at a friends house. 

I have two ways that I can look at this.  I can be incredibly, insanely jealous of these adorable children and their wonderful mother and father.  I can want and need this kind of thing for myself.  I can cry and bemoan my lack of children and the lack of hope in ever having any of my own again.


I can be happy for this mother that she has 3 children who are so good-natured.  I can help her out by tidying the front room a little bit.  I can count the blessing of my own son, stepson, stepdaughter, and remember their cuddles when the AC and BG were little, and T-Boy's and the AC's cuddles now.  I can praise God for the joy of a whole nights sleep.  I can thank Him for the loan of children from a friend, and for the way those children love J and I just because we are us.

This morning, I am there with the second one.

Itwillallbefine.  And it is.

Friday, January 20, 2012


I'm broody all over again. I will never get the hang of not being broody. I know that. Well, I suppose when I am 90 or something then I will, but you know what I mean, Dear Reader. Right now, it's never. I like being pregnant. I like new babies, older babies, toddlers, nursery age, school age, and I like them up to 8 years 7 months. That's how old the AC is, so that's as far as I know I like motherhood.

This goes a long way back.

All I have ever wanted, deep down, was a home, a good and loving man, and anywhere between 2-6 children.

I have a home, for which I work my bottom off, but at the end of the day it is *mine*. One day, it will be ours, but right now, legally speaking, it's *mine*. No-one can tell us what to do, or evict us on the spur of the moment. None of our money is wasted in rent. Every month I pay the mortgage, I pay more towards the house being ours in whole. I love this house.

I have a good and loving man. I've had terrible luck with men, - 2 divorces and a widowhood tend to make one feel slightly paranoid. I worry about losing J, but I worry deep down where no one can see it, because I know that it is paranoia, and I have seen that ruin too many relationships in the past. If I clutch at him too tightly then he will feel repressed, and I don't like that for a man. He needs to feel in charge, he needs to know I have every faith and trust him, and that I would accept a decision that he has made.

I suppose it is that last which is where I am struggling.

Rich and I were trying for a family. In the year that he died, I lost two before his death, and 1 immediately afterwards.

Always they are early, early losses. Just enough to know that they are there, and then they are gone. I think I've done it again, jut before Christmas, but I've got to the stage where I don't want to think about it anymore. Enough is too much already, as someone cleverer than me said. But to go from trying, to mourning, to never, in such a short time, has been a shock to my system.

I've had days when it feels like J would have children with his Ex, but not with me - what's wrong with me? (answer, probably nothing! Hey, hi paranoia lol!) Am I such a bad mother? (again, the answer is no! The She-Ex called me "Mary F-ing Poppins" except she used the whole word. She was that angry then, now? Who knows.) I know some of this is based on being 37 soon. Too old to start all the nappies and things again, increased chance of congenital deformity, and all that jazz.

I know.

I do know, you know. I'm not stupid.

Just broody. :-(

However, I have a beautiful and intelligent son, a kind-hearted stepson, an amazing stepdaughter somewhere in the Americas, who I will never stop loving, and a whole range of nieces and nephews and godsons and goddaughters and friends children and....

Well, you get the picture.

I am blessed in so many ways.

Just hormonally challenged.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Improving Teacher Programme

It's the morning.

I'm ready for school already.  Yeah, already - and it's only 6.24am.

The child isn't.  He's lying on the sofa telling me he's ill and can't go to school.  He's got an hour before we leave, so it's fine.  He'll recover in a moment.  When I offer hime breakfast I expect!

Yesterdays course was........

I don't know!

On the one hand it is very introverted, and very much about looking at why I'm doing everything I'm doing.  There's a mnemonic and everything lol!  Everything I do in the next six weeks, school related, has  to be evaluated against DR ICE.

Deeper thinking.
Roleplaying learning
Impact on progress
Challenging Expectations
Engaging in Learning

It's about working smarter instead of harder, more thoroughly instead of faster, and so on.

It was hard work in some ways - it is always hard to look at what you do from an objective stance, and take out your own biased point of view.  It's also hard to find a reason for doing something that you have always done because that is the way it is done.

I also had the most majorleague stinking headache on Monday night, that made me useless.  I have never had a headache that bad.  Not so bad I wanted to actually be sick.  Not so bad that my boy made me a cup of tea (although that's the kind of thing he does every now and again, because he loves me!)  Not so bad that J took one look at me and went "We'll order tea in tonight, you look terrible."

I ended up taking something called Syndol, which joyously announces on it's box that I must not take it for more than 3 days or it could be addictive. Addictive?  I must have been ill or I would never have bought it lol!

Anyway, I had better get my shake on and get to work.  I'm not feeling great again, but there's nothing so bad I can't go to school - just tired and achy and my skin itches in a really weird way (usually means I have a temperature lol!)

I have to make myself a DR ICE poster for my room, as a visual reminder as well!

Monday, January 16, 2012

And that was the weekend of survey!

I spent the weekend working on the returned questionnaires from school about the current and future ICT policy. There were times when I thought my brain would run out of my ears with complete boredom, and then I started to sneakily enjoy it. Working the numbers out. Making them make sense. Reading the comments and agreeing with some, disagreeing with others, and laughing at a very few. Tomorrow I start my course. I've reapplied for my MEd continuation. I have more work lined up that I know what to do with lol, but in a way, I like it like that. Anyway, the kitchen calls, and I shall be back laters.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Friday the 13th.......

And to be frank, I'm not bothered.


I have the mother, father, grandparents and whole extended family of headaches.  I have an exhusband who is at best a fantastist, and at worst a liar.  I have a weekend of massive amounts of work ahead of me.  However, I have had an exhausting week, so the chances of me doing it all are quite slim.

And again with the "Ha!"

Because I also have a lovely home.  A new sofa on the way in a matter of weeks.  (Like new.  NEW! No ones bum has ever been on it, that kind of new!) I have a son who has just asked if next week, we can have mummy cassarole and not jar cassarole because mine is better.  I have new bread with homemade jam (not by me, but by a parent at school.)  I have a man who says that when he thinks about me his stomach flips because he loves me so much.  I have people at school who cannot believe I am being sent on the Improving Teacher Programme because I am one of the best teachers they know. (And they said it to other people, not to me!)  I have a box of chocolates from a parent in thanks for listening to her and helping her earlier in the week when she had a real wobble.

I am loved, appreciated, cared about, and respected as a professional.

Yeah.  HA! 

It has taken so much work to get this far, so much determination and care and thought and prayers and just not giving in to the world when it wants to take me down.  It is built on the love that Rich and I had for each other and for the AC, the respect he and I had as a couple and as individuals, personally and professionally.  It is maintained by the amazing way that J and I love each other and our family.

Ha Friday 13th!  You can get knotted!

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Amazed - but exhausted.......

I have been this tired before.  2 years ago.  3 years ago.  4 years ago.  (Not last year - I didn't go to BETT2011)

It was amazing.  I saw things that I would want to buy, things that I ought to buy, things that I *neeeeeeeed* to buy, and some really cool stuff.  I didn't buy any of it, obviously, because I had no schol budget.

I picked up a load of free stuff (to be documented later!) and enjoyed the experience of walking round and talking tech with people who knew what they were talking about.  I sorted out a load of stuff that needed sorting out with a couple of companies.  I met with people that wanted to meet with me, and arranged to be a host school/demo school for a couple of products, thus putting us right up there in the forefront of tech.

Oh and, bestest news, I won a competition.  Yeah.  I did.  Brand New, In the Box, 8gb iPod touch.  The AC was very excited, and when I pointed out that we already had one, his first thought was to send it to the BG.  How sweet is that?  I told him that we couldn't, because I haven't heard from her in a long while now, and there was no reply to me sending her advent calendar, so no.  He understands, but, bless him, he wants to make things fair for them all - he has one, so she should.  Logical for him.

I don't know what I'll do with it.  At the moment it's in the box, all tidy and nice.  It can stay there for a little bit.  Maybe I'll check the eBay price.  Maybe I'll give it to Scotty's Little Soldiers - they've given so much to us after all.

It was just nice to win lol!

Today I'm tired, and my feet hurt, and my legs hurt and (you get the idea) but it is just so great to have been!

If you get chance, then go.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

BETT2012 today!

I'm excited about going to BETT.

3 years ago I went with Rich.
2 years ago I went with my brother.
Last year I couldn't walk enough, so I couldn't go.
This year, I'm going.

Very excited.
Quite nervous.
Little bit sad.

I'd like J to be going with me, but work is work.  Instead I will make his sandwiches and take lots of pictures, and update FB all day and life will be good.

It will be as good as I make it, and damnit I will have it good!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012


...... Is tomorrow. I'm already excited, already thinking about the visit planning session tonight, just want to be there and doing it lol!

Rich and I went for several years together, when he was a governor at the AC's school. Ru has been with me once, but this is the first year I will be going on my own. It doesn't phase me as such, although I enjoy having someone there to share it with, like any exciting thing I suppose. I'm looking into cashless pay systems (yawn) and admin systems (double yawn) and scanner mice (YAY!) and new interactive whiteboard software (DOUBLE YAY WITH EGGS ON TOP!) and other than that, I'm just looking. Oh, and getting my free mug from the lovely people at educationcity.com, who do the best mugs ever, and we have a long term contract with them, organised by me this year, replacing the one that Rich and I put together at BETT2009.

I also spent a large portion of my day dealing with a distressed mother yesterday. I won't go into details here, but I'd have loved to say to David Cameron "THIS is what we do as well!". We ended up at A&E in the end, and itwillallbefine, but *sigh* it was a real moment of "there but for the grace of God go I.".

I suppose it's all in how we deal with stress and pain and loss. If it is our nature to survive and overcome, then we can. If it is in our nature to crumble, and not see how to try and survive, then maybe that's what we do. But then part of my disagrees with that, because I have known several "give up" types, who can be supported through a crisis and shown the right track and who can take it and become more optimistic people because this thing worked out this time. Rich was definately one of those, and he was so happy in his last years here. J can be like that, and just has to get the trauma of the situation out of his system before a solution can even be suggested.

I am (painfully for some lol) optimistic, that there is always a way through, that there is a purpose, that there has to be a shiny side to this situation, whatever it is.

It's ok. Sometimes I annoy myself with it as well. But sometimes, I can give hope to someone else, and I'm praying that's what happened last night.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

First Day Back

Yesterday was the first day with the children in.  Tuesday was the first day back for staff.  Both days have lef tme feeling so very tired.  I know it isn't helped by the weather, which is very wet and windy and all over the place.  It must have woken me up about 15 times last night.

The children were fine.  There was the usual range of "I haven't got..... because......" and I carefully ignored all but the relevant bits.  Most of my children would be fine if their parents would let them grow up a bit.

Speaking of growing up, the child is now in age 9 trousers.  He was 8 in June, and has a pair of age 9 trousers on for school.  I am amazed by this.  It looks like he may fulfill his ambition of being "tall like Richard."

I also need to email Rich's brother, I-t-B to find out if he wants these bits of Rich's fathers. I am reluctant to open any cans of worms, but it wouldn't be fair just to get rid of stuff if he actually wants it.  I mean, I'd be ashamed of myself too, if I was him, but then I would hope that I could see the other person would have forgiven me by now.


This is a really bleaugh post.

Sorry!  I'll check the meme. 

It's not up yet.  I'll do it later!

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Mum's Birthday

Mum's birthday was yesterday and was lovely.  Ru and I were there, being our very grownup selves.

There was cake.

There was sideways children.
What more do you want from a birthday?

 This morning though, it's back to work in what sounds like a howling gale out there. :-(  The AC is with his father for today whilst I'm on INSET, and then he's home tonight.

Itwillallbefine.  Cold, but fine!

Monday, January 2, 2012

Happy New Year!

It's early in the morning.  0549 to be exact.  Breakfast news is on, there is a cup of tea on the side, and I am crosslegged on the sofa, blogging.  This is my plan, although I will have to get up earlier than this to accomodate blogging time, and reading others blogs will need to be worked into my time somewhere else. 

Tomorrow it is back to work.  It's INSET tomorrow (teacher training day) and then the children are in on Wednesday.  We have a new topic, which should interest the children, and we have new literach and numeracy topics as well.  I have a bucket of work to do lol!

And that's ok.  I know what I need to do, I know that lots of it will get done, I know that some of it won't get done.  I know I'm ok with that.

I think that's my plan for the year.  I've spent the last 2 and a half years saying that itwillbefine.  I have been proven correct - it is fine.  Yesterday we woke up at a friends house after a lovely evening seeing in the new year quietly with a curry and a film.  J was the first person to speak to me in 2012, with "I love you too."  Jamie was the second person, with "'Allo Sarah. I a got toas a marmite." (He's two, and doesn't believe in putting all his sounds into his words as yet lol)

We came home after Ang had cooked a fat ol' breakfast, and then grabbed a few bits and went to pick up Lara.  How long she'll stay Lara, I'm not sure.  She's a snake, it's not as if they answer to their names!  She is, however, a Khal strain Albino Boa Constrictor, and she is beautiful.  She's around 3 ft a the moment, and will eventually be heading to around 10ft.

We came home, and had a weird evening.  I made tea - bacon sandwiches.  J and I handled Steve and Lara, and Steve was very wandering tonight, ending up all over my head.  He's also getting heavy now as he heads to 5 ft.  The babies are so much easier lol, at not yet 1 ft long!  Anyway, I made a brew, and we watched some Four Weddings, and discussed several aspects of getting married, including showing J one of the Denim Wedding Dresses that I had looked at with Caroline years ago.  I still like it.  If I ever get married again, I may well get it anyway - It's not as if I can honestly wear white......

Then we watched CSI, and I was sleepy and so dozed slightly and when J said "Bedtime," Then up we went.  Except that once we were confortably in bed, J realised it was only 9pm.  I went to sleep for a bit - I'm very tired at the moment, but I always am after Christmas.  Then a bit later I woke up, and he was as snotty as anything.  I don't mean grumpy, I mean that over the course of about 20 minutes he developed a stinking cold!  I did him some boiled lemonade and then went back to bed and sleep.

It was a very random night. 

Last year, I put up a quote


“Peace is not something you wish for; It's something you make, Something you do, Something you are, And something you give away.”

That's the plan for this year as well.  Stick with peace.  Peace inside and out.