.... but feeling choked.
I feel like I almost can't get the words out through my fingers because there is something constricting them. Partly it's time. Partly it's emotion. Partly it's the needs of real life that pull me away from on-line life.
Yesterday was Rich's birthday.
It was a long, hard day, again. I keep thinking that this will get easier - that's the plan isn't it? Time being a great healer and all that? But not right now. This year it hurts again, but I'm better at not crying.
I've just looked back at this blog from the year he had his accident. (See me avoiding saying he died? Yeah. I'm still not good at that bit lol!) He was so happy on his birthday in 2008. I was so happy. We were planning a family, looking for a bigger house, waiting for the She-Ex to do the divorce thing, looking forward to having a future together. And then I miscarried, and we chose to stay here, and the She-Ex didn't want to do the divorce thing because she didn't want us to be married because she thought she was hurting us that way, and then he died. The irony is that BG would be so much better off now if she had have done the divorce, by almost half a million pounds. She hurt her own daughter in the end.
There's parts of the blog that deal with I-t-B taking the ashes and doing whatever he did with them. I have been contacted by 2sqn about a fundraiser that they are doing for Scotty's, and when I said what Scotty's had done for the AC, that they had given him somewhere to belong after he had lost the RAF, and after such nasty things were said by Rich's family, and after even the last of Rich we had was stolen away from us, they were appalled. Couldn't believe anyone would be so intentionally cruel to a small bereaved child. Well, they were. Was it intentional? Only they, and God, and Rich know that.
There's a lot of the blog that is hard to read, that talks about the AC's pain and how he struggled with it all. He did. There's no way around that, he did. And now he doesn't struggle so much, and he loves Rich and he loves J and he loves his Daddy, and he loves BG and he's ok with T-Boy. Now he is a child that goes everywhere we go, and is a very capable conversationalist, and an enjoyable dinner companion.
We've come a long way. But it still hurts, and I think it always will. It's just not fair, but itwillallbefine.